Chapter 924: Chapter 924: The Rip-off Tabloid Tengu
The Three-headed Mercury Lamps are a bunch of peculiar little creatures with many inexplicable abilities and behavior patterns. They often appear in groups near the Imperial Military Academy, and sometimes you can spot one of them running around alone. They come in many different outfits, ranging from household maid styles to jungle special force gear, but no matter what kind of Three-headed Mercury Lamp you’re looking at, one thing is always the same: they always appear to be exceedingly busy. Everyone in Shadow City knows about these strange little beings, but not many truly understand them. Most people only know that the Three-headed Mercury Lamps have numerous ties with the Imperial Military Department and are dolls modeled after the Little Princess of the Empire—thus, the civilians of Shadow City generally believe these little things might be mechanical servants or playmates used by the Royal Family, which in some sense is not wrong.
The Three-headed dolls active in the academy area have all sorts of tasks, like organizing flower beds and lawns, pruning tree branches, cleaning roads, maintaining facilities, and washing windows. You might even see them with their large heads supporting basketfuls of groceries as they dash out of campus supermarkets and into the dormitories of the Misakas. It’s said that at night, fully armed Three-headed Mercury Lamps patrol the academy—these dolls, just over half a meter tall, wield mini lightsabers similar to fruit knives and Ghost Energy Beam rifles, with their bodies decked with mini space internal explosion bombs. They bounce cheerfully as they patrol the school, targeting those old Chinese medicine practitioners and fake diploma manufacturers who paste small ads on the school walls at night. Before the arrival of the Three-headed Mercury Lamps, such night patrols were typically the responsibility of the school’s teachers (often taken up by Imperial Commanders or Heroic Spirits) and student council officials. Considering these, some people in Shadow City speculate that these cute Three-headed dolls might be the Empire’s newly manufactured next-generation multifunctional robots, with tasks to maintain city operations within a certain range and gradually replace those rigidly designed octopus-like autonomous machines. Perhaps someday, Shadow City will be filled with these Three-headed dolls occupying all public service positions throughout the city…
Further speculation about these little dolls abounds, even encompassing urban legends. For instance, an urban legend mentions that all Three-headed dolls share a common leader, a gigantic robot over a hundred meters tall, whose purpose is to conquer the city. The advance troops, namely the Three-headed Army, were dispatched by this giant robot and have already infiltrated various positions in the academy, replacing the original faculty and staff. Of course, some suspect they are a special model of Imperial Soldiers, but such speculations are rather absurd and hardly anyone believes them—sending such little guys to the battlefield, to adorably slay the enemy?
The above encompasses the impression that the Three-headed Mercury Lamps have left on the ordinary citizens of Shadow City.
Regardless of the speculations, everyone in Shadow City unanimously agrees that the Three-headed Mercury Lamps are exceedingly crafty, darting everywhere. Their quirky behaviors and variety of peculiar gadgets are a real headache… especially the latter.
The Three-headed Mercury Lamp that jumped out in a hopping manner saw me and Sandora, but instead of coming over joyfully like the other little dolls, let out a startled scream and turned to flee. Before I could react, she had already pulled out a small floating board-like object from her Personal Space. This gadget was one of the Three-headed Army’s many peculiar tools, called a Light-speed Skateboard, self-developed by the Misakas and equipped for their own Three-headed Mercury Lamps. It boasts extremely high burst speed and short-range jump capabilities, and once a person stands on it, they are separated by a Space Anchor Point, unaffected by acceleration and inertia, preventing the lightweight Three-heads from falling off during high-speed maneuvers. Seeing her pull out such a gadget, I instantly understood she intended to flee, so I quickly darted forward, breaking the sound barrier in an instant, and grabbed her by the waist before she could activate the skateboard.
Whether it’s the original or mass-produced version, as long as you grab their belt, you can easily pick them up, rendering their tiny arms and legs useless—this is an experience I’ve accumulated over time. Of course, the Titan Mercury Lamp over a hundred meters tall doesn’t count—its belt buckle is even taller than I am.
“Let go! Let go! You’re annoying!” The 60 cm tall doll Mercury Lamp flailed and kicked in the air but was utterly ineffective since her entire length from head to foot couldn’t even match my arm’s length. And because it was Brother holding her, this little guy obviously couldn’t use those dangerous gadgets, so all she had left was a kind of cute protest.
Taking this opportunity, I quickly reached out and snatched that large roll of printed paper from the three-headed doll’s hands before setting her down on the ground.
“Give it back! Give it back!” The Three-headed doll, reaching only knee height, jumped up and down, trying to climb onto me with her little arms and legs. However, I could easily hold down this little one with just one hand, as that big Q-type head was way too easy to trap, “Give it back quickly! Brother won’t like this! The ordinary wild girl Mercury Lamp called out guiltily.”
Ordinary…wild girl Mercury Lamp?!
Exactly how many models do these oddball dolls have? Do they have titles like departmental leaders and scholar experts, where starting from the second line of their business card, each line is a new title?
No matter how much this small-sized, weak Three-headed doll protested—technically speaking, no matter how much the Sister Misaka responsible for controlling her protested—my attention had already shifted to the paper roll snatched from the opponent’s hands, and then, a large headline appeared before my eyes: “Wenwen Daily—Temporary Supplement”
Instantly, just like Sandora earlier, I felt a chill run through me. Okay, now I understood where this bad premonition came from, but the efficiency of that tengu was indeed bewilderingly monstrous—what’s going on?
With feelings akin to deep sorrow, I opened the newspaper, and as expected, on the front page, was a large colorful photo taking up the entire page, featuring a close-up of me and Sandora surrounded by a rose frame.
The photo caption read: “Two Leaders Engrossed in a Public Kiss,” with a note below stating: “Absent are the two Imperial Mistresses, and our reporter was pre-ordered not to report this incident.”
And below, just as Wenwen promised, there was no following text…
“It was a colossal mistake not to turn that tengu into spicy chicken wings earlier.”
I crumpled this ridiculous newspaper into a ball in seconds, thinking my expression probably resembled that of Hitler in 1945, while Sandora beside me, having also seen the colorful image on the newspaper earlier, looked rather awkward.
“Ah, the newspaper’s gone,” the ordinary wild girl Mercury Lamp squatted dejectedly on the ground, attempting to attract Brother’s attention by looking cute. The Q-version Mercury Lamp doll lingering around my leg mumbled while squatting on the ground, her big head drooping weakly.
Casually hoisting this little fellow into the air, I asked, “Tell me, what were you planning to do with it?”
“Post it on the bulletin board! The ordinary wild girl Mercury Lamp confidently declared.”
The mini doll stood with her hands on her hips, appearing very serious.
If being cute could serve as a livelihood, I feel these little ones could ensure half the population in Africa would never worry about food and clothing again.
Though I found it quite amusing, I couldn’t hit or scold these little ones. I could only flick her on the head a few times with moderate force and told her to inform others not to get involved in such commotions, then let this little guy go. The mini doll seemed genuinely afraid of punishment as she let out a cheer as soon as she hit the ground, bouncing her way toward the school’s iron fence, seemingly intending to take a shortcut home. Sandora and I then watched as this fool got stuck in the gap between the fence bars: the head was too big.
“After all this time, they still have this defect,” Sandora said, palming her face with a laugh-cry expression, “Is this a problem with the Misakas or is Mercury Lamp inherently a dolt?”
I believe it’s the latter. Don’t be fooled by Mercury Lamp’s impressive facade; she’s often clumsy herself, always managing to crash into things at home. Seeing the same clumsiness in the connected Three-headed Mercury Lamps seems quite normal.
But the poor Q-doll didn’t stay stuck for long, as a few identical Three-headed Mercury Lamps soon ran out from the school, poking down the hapless one with bamboo poles.
Poked down… with bamboo poles!
“They seem quite competent,” Sandora remarked casually.
I nodded heavily: “I remembered, previously Misaka 12590 mentioned this situation to me. There is indeed a batch among the mass-produced Mercury Lamps dedicated to rescuing other mass-produced Mercury Lamps, because these little guys have a habit of burrowing into narrow places that even the Misakas who are Controllers can’t suppress. Back then in the Big Nebula, the Three-headed ones often got stuck in the warship’s air vents, so eventually they just formed a batch of emergency rescue groups to poke out the stuck sisters…”
The small trouble brought by the Three-headed Dolls passed, and now the urgent matter is to quickly catch the mischievous Tengu girl, Shime Maru Wen. Neither Sandora nor I expected Wenwen to have such terrifying work efficiency and low moral standards. She used just half a morning to add a photo of me and Sandora to today’s supplement, with such an speechless title and annotation: initially, I thought even with a title and annotation, an Eight Diagram Tengu couldn’t make much fuss, but now reality proves I completely overestimated that guy’s morality quotient. Next time you see Tengu Wen, the first thing you must do is snag her camera and smash it to pieces, then maintain a safe distance of five hundred meters while calling the police, during which absolutely don’t speak to her, otherwise every word you say including punctuation will sooner or later become the fuse for a showdown between you and your wife.
Shime Maru Wen runs around the world every day at quite a speed without a fixed resting place, so finding her is a bit tricky. Plus, Sandora and I don’t want to employ the Intelligence Department or Imperial Soldiers for this: after all, in Sandora’s eyes, no matter how maddening the matter is, it’s just a young girl being mischievous, using soldiers to solve the problem would be overkill. Fortunately, even without employing Imperial Soldiers, there is a way to find Guan Xiwen, one could even say speak of Cao Cao and Cao Cao appears: Ling Meng lazily wandered over from across the street.
The black-haired girl with a lazy expression strolled casually down the street, wearing her signature armpit Witch clothes, of course, her arm was also adorned with the Shadow City’s management badge. A big bow lazily swung back and forth like it was always planning to nap along with its master. Today, Ling Meng appeared somewhat different from usual: her Witch clothes turned blue and white.
“Yo, Ling Meng!” I greeted cheerfully, “1P off again?”
I’m aware of the blue-white outfit for Ling Meng; whenever 1P is off the stage, 2P takes over and the outfit color changes…
“1P my ass,” Ling Meng yawned and shot me a glare, “Couldn’t find any clothes to change into, just had to come out in this one, truly, Yichui Xigua’s horns just grew and needed to be cared for, Chiruno was tricked home as a fridge by you, Moriya is utterly unreliable, can’t even find someone to wash clothes…”
I was dumbfounded: this no morals Witch really goes places with laziness, not even washing clothes?
“Of course it’s not about not washing clothes,” Ling Meng waved her hand, “Just been really busy lately—the resident exchange between Fantasy Country and Avalon started, newcomers need to pass through Fantasy Country, and some Demons want to visit home, just busy registering names every day is a hassle…ahhh, such a headache, it’s not like they’re children, just don’t run off and get lost themselves.”
To reduce the head of Fantasy Country’s work to merely registering a few names yet being so lazy unwilling to budge, does this person truly understand what professional ethics mean?
“What is professional ethics? Can it be eaten or spent like money?” Ling Meng shook her head and retorted. “By the way, is there anything you need? If not, I must continue patrolling, finish walking this neighborhood and it’s time for an afternoon nap.”
“Go catch that Tengu,” I thought of that ill-fated newspaper and couldn’t help but feel anger rising.
“Huh? Are you talking about Shime Maru Wen?” Ling Meng’s drowsy eyes slightly brightened, “Did she offend you?”
This guy lazy enough to not even read newspapers is simply wonderful.
“Oh, to put it simply, that guy finally got audacious enough to target the big boss, right?” After hearing Sandora’s and my explanation, Ling Meng immediately understood and nodded knowingly, cheerfully flashing a victory sign at us, “Such a person does need a lesson, but this isn’t within the scope of city management duties, ya know? Extra charges apply!”
I’m actually curious what use the money is to Hakurei Ling Meng, part of the establishment, able to consume unchecked in the military zone, but greed seems to be embedded in this guy’s genes, so without hesitation, I promised on the spot that should she manage to catch Wenwen and order corrections to the previous report before Wenwen issues more newspapers, her salary and bonuses for the month would increase tenfold.
I believe this won’t be difficult, Ling Meng’s title as the God of City Management isn’t just for show, she managed to trap someone as ferocious as Sicaro multiple times in alley corners, I don’t believe a single Tengu can defy the heavens either. Plus, since Wenwen’s printing press is located in the Academy district, her first batch of newspapers is always habitually sent to school for the Misakas to read for free, so the newspaper in that Three-headed doll’s hand was probably the first batch. Coupled with Guan Xiwen’s habit from Fantasy Country, she always uses her super speed to personally distribute newspapers, so should Ling Meng act timely, catching the Tengu and newspapers ought to be quite easy.
Then this fellow sped off into the horizon in a golden light…
Sandora and I thought this matter would come to an end here, so we went out to play for a while. Near noon, we decided to go home, but reality proved—sometimes fate is truly a pain.
When we arrived home, teleporting straight into the living room, usually at this time everyone should be in their rooms busy with their own things or outside wandering, the living room should only have Anwina and Sayaka busying about, yet today was a massive exception, nearly everyone was present in the living room, including Lin Xue who should have returned home and Anwina who should be cooking, the whole family crowded around the center of the living room focused on studying something, and neither Sandora’s nor my sudden appearance caught anyone’s attention, I curiously leaned over for a glance, tears sprang at once.
…Goodness, a whole table one and a half meters high of Wenwen Daily!!
Ling Meng sat atop this pile of newspapers, shaking her head proudly, with the bow on her head swinging along with her moves. This guy was spiritedly recounting to everyone the tragic tale of Tengu Shime Maru Wen being chased and besieged by a dozen city managers for overturning public opinion and failing to comply with air traffic regulations. Because of her high seat, she was the first to spot me and Sandora, immediately grinning as she greeted us: “Ah! Boss! Boss’ wife, you’re here—suspect apprehended, all stolen goods seized and brought here, look!”
Ling Meng pointed to her backside while speaking. Not only was there a mountain of newspapers underneath, but beneath the newspapers was a tearfully weeping black-haired girl, none other than Guan Xiwen crushed by Ling Meng’s forceful law enforcement.
“Boohoo…my camera…my newspaper…”
The Tengu girl was in tears.
Upon inquiry, we learned that Ling Meng’s violent self not only confiscated all of Shime Maru Wen’s newspapers but also brutally destroyed her treasured camera. Originally, the camera was a valuable item, a high-tech product of the Kappas, with so many functions they defy reason. It could take photos and video, fire magic cannons, form protective shields, make phone calls, toast pancakes, generate electricity, create artificial rain, summon Divine Dragons, transform into Ultraman, and reveal Sun Monkey’s true form—although possibly mixed with strange things, generally, it was just such a fierce treasure. Yet now it has been blasted into fragments by Ling Meng with righteous Ghost Energy Machine Bombs, scattered on the floor, Little Baobao and Ji Shanshan were enthusiastically using it as jigsaw puzzles.
Faced with this scene, Shime Maru Wen was of course tearful, but…seeing Big Sister and others each holding a newspaper, it seemed maybe I should be the one teary-eyed here! (To be continued. If you enjoy this work, feel free to visit Qidian () to vote, your support is my greatest motivation.)